Jenna (all-American hottie who likes to pick up well-dressed locals at bars): “So that’s why me and my brother own so many guns back home. We like to go hunting…”

Local drunk: “So what do you hunt? Niggers?”

Have you ever heard the ancient Latin phrase “in vino veritas” (in wine, there is truth)? It essentially speaks of people saying and doing things more true to their actual nature when under the influence of alcohol. I don’t really mind a good drink, so don’t mistake this post as being anti-alcoholic.

Most of my drinking buddies have varied responses to the hard stuff. Some become antisocial, while others become incessant nags; some become a little violent, while others just want to kiss you; some exaggerate stories from yesteryear, while others provide you with way too much information about their sex lives. There are a few good chaps that like to get frisky with the ladies, while others like to get touchy-feely with their male friends. The crudest remarks and the most sexist, racist and ignorant blabber often spew out (amongst other things) of these happy drunks in witty little packages which are often stored in our intoxicated memory banks and recounted during future binges. And yet we forgive them because they know not what they do.

Why do we behave the way we do when we are drunk? I will certainly not provide you with a medical or scientific explanation. This however, is my theory:

It is only when we are drunk that we lose all inhibitions. All the fallacious little wrapping of politically correct mumbo-jumbo go straight out of the window and into the spotlight jumps the “real you.” And since there is always the dependable excuse of “oh, I’m sorry, I had too much to drink last night”, we tend to literally let ourselves go when the alcohol starts flowing.

If you take the swaying, slurring and the funny hand movements out, and focus merely on what is being said and done when under the influence, it may often seem our personalities become larger and more clearly defined. Our thoughts literally become are words and deeds.

Girls who secretly don’t mind a good flirt become overly friendly or even seductive in a funny, drunk sort of way; Men who are flaming homosexuals in their private thoughts venture out of the closet for short drunken spells; and covertly intolerant people, when drunk, begin to “whip out” the Gay, Black, Jew and Muslim jokes, notwithstanding whose company they are in. And then of course, our hangovers are invariably accompanied by a surreal sense of regret and embarrassment commonly known as the “Foot in Mouth Disease”.

So the question remains, does alcohol make you do the things you really don’t want to do? Or does it empower you to do the things you really want to, but shouldn’t be doing? I beg to argue that it is clearly the latter.

And so, as twisted as it may sound, this is perhaps why we all prefer an honest bastard to an insincere saint.

Thank you for reading.

This is priceless.

If I keep writing heresies such as this, I may be taken off the Atheist Blogroll. Hilarious.

Update:

Looks like the debate on the censorship of my ideas has begun.

Update:

The sad and inevitable conclusion.

Thank you for reading.

When your friends and loved ones return from abroad they often bring along gifts, goodies and some rather interesting, and at times exaggerated tales. Occasionally, one or two may also bring along a brand new accent. This has always struck me as curious since what an American or Englishman cannot achieve in a lifetime spent in the East, is promptly undertaken by one of “us” who spends just a few semesters in the West.

Is this necessarily a bad thing? We Sri Lankans left behind to fret about the dying economy and intensifying ethnic conflict, often view with suspicion and contempt those of our kind who achieve the feat of successfully adopting a foreign accent. “Oh gosh, guess who came back speaking like Yankee Doodle?” or “I didn’t know the stiff-upper-lip was contagious?” are common sentiments articulated in private.

However, I find that the phenomenon of accent switching can be attributed to two main reasons.

1. Our Colonial Hangover
2. Our Hospitable Nature

The reason many of us find ourselves switching to a ripe British accent as soon as we set foot on those green hills of England, is primarily due to the fact that a Whiteman’s accent is seen to be of a slightly higher and more prestigious standard than our own. It also has a lot to do with self esteem and how comfortable one is with the way he or she articulates the English language. Studying or living abroad is not necessarily the reason one speaks with this accent, but rather the valid excuse one uses to justify the switch.

The second reason I have listed relates to the most common excuse given by those who engage in an accent makeover. It is simply that persons abroad fail to understand the Sri Lankan accent thus requiring us to change our accent in order to facilitate greater understanding. This of course is entirely true as I have experienced it myself. However, what is curious is that Westerners living here for decades on end never seem to make this same switch. In fact those of us who speak to them mysteriously alter our own accents, momentarily adopting a strangely refined British or American tone without even the slightest affiliation to those nations.

Some of you may call this “doormat-like behaviour”, but I would like to remind you that not all people can achieve this feat. It takes true talent to speak in multiple accents without even the odd acting lesson for assistance. Some of us choose not to change our accents, while others simply can’t help the change. However, time and again we have proven our potential for flexibility.

I find it more likely that this whole accent switching maneuver is part of a common potential possessed by all Sri Lankans to morph in order to fit in better with the outside world. This is probably why we can get along with everyone else except ourselves.

Thank you for reading.

Once again, I am grateful to those of you who sent in comments and emails in relation to my previous post.

What you are about to read may not be as easily palatable as you may prefer. However, it is a life scenario which needs to be confronted with the highest level of care and maturity one’s emotions would permit. What I will attempt to capture (in what is hopefully a nutshell) is not a generalization of long-distance relationships but rather an analysis of a dilemma which many of us face during our youth and the manner in which it affects our decision-making in later years.

As adults, we often find it reasonable to conclude that higher importance should be attached to the challenges we face within our own age groups. Parents seldom admit that the issues their children face can compare to the problems of maintaining a household and supporting a family. Married couples rarely remember the troubles of courtship and the petty woes of childhood love. Working professionals hardly notice the stress and sacrifice of young students. The pattern is always clear in each example. As we grow older, we forget the lessons we learn and the hardships we overcome during our childhoods and the impact they have on the rest of our lives.

The transition from teenager to young adult is never appreciated as a truly transformative period in an individual’s life. Many of us consider this period as “just another phase” in life. The truth however is that this period often “makes or breaks” an individual’s quality and forges a path in a direction which is rarely amendable. It is the exact point in which the moth is set to emerge from the cocoon. It is within this volatile timeframe, that we find the curious notion of “young love”. One may immediately question the writer’s choice of subject matter, but I pray that one does read on.

It is no coincidence that Shakespeare preferred the eternal iconic figures of love – Romeo and Juliet to be teenagers. So it is difficult to comprehend why society fails to appreciate the gravity and importance of life decisions made by young people. One clear example of this lack of empathy relates to the decision of continuing in a long-distance relationship when one of the parties has selected to pursue higher studies abroad. Make no mistake that this decision is often a life altering one which may even determine the ultimate happiness of the individuals involved.

This is the point at which the reader would be tempted to say “so what?”

Well, my issue is one which deals with fidelity in long-distance relationships and the expectations of such that is placed on the parties concerned. A question arises as to whether it is legitimate to expect, for example, a girl of 18 who ventures into a foreign country to spend three or four years of her life, to be faithful to her boyfriend in Colombo. It is not a question of what ought to be the ideal scenario, but rather one which challenges the conventional wisdom behind compelling one individual to be obligated to another who resides a thousand miles away. I stress on the words ‘pressure’ and ‘obligation’ since where this arrangement is completely voluntary, one cannot question the success of the relationship. It must be admitted however, that the possibilities of a relationship lasting on the shoulders of these two words alone are very slender.

It is under these very circumstances that the temptation of infidelity arises. I am in no way justifying infidelity. Infidelity stems from a deep-rooted habit of selfishness which should not only be discouraged but also abhorred in its entirety. However, notwithstanding our personal sentiments towards it, infidelity may be explained by the context in which it takes place. So rather than providing fertile soil for the seeds of infidelity to grow, it is far wiser to refrain altogether from placing our so-called loved ones in these precarious positions. To be precise, it is my opinion that individuals should not be obligated to remain faithful when it is “too hard” to do so. The results always lead to either a clandestine compromise or complete breakdown in the relationship concerned. Thus it seems clear that long-distance relationships should be reserved for those serious about commitment, since a relationship which perpetuates solely due to obligation can only result in hurt and loss of both trust as well as pride.

A male friend of mine faces this exact dilemma. In determining the question of whether or not he should enter into a long-distance relationship with a girl who intends to enter university abroad, he has decided that the expectations of such a relationship placed on someone who intends to explore an entire new world pertaining to campus life, is simply unfair. I agree with this notion entirely and find that the honorable approach to adopt is one of patience and selflessness. There is no justification in succumbing to the fears of losing someone, at the expense of curtailing his or her freedom against her true preference. Though many of us will remain faithful to someone waiting for us back home, the majority will rather have had utilized that opportunity to explore new frontiers. It may be argued that staying faithful merely on the strength of obligation only results in resentment and often leads to regret. Besides, the truth is that no one really wants a pining boyfriend back home.

In conclusion, I can only chastise society as a whole for placing these numerous conditions on our youth. Whether it is reserving social acceptance for those in committed relationships, or establishing age deadlines for marriage, the list of pressures on the young people of today grow ever longer. The result of this social conditioning has been the immergence of a confused, discontent and disoriented generation that finds life as a whole one tiresome and mundane experience. The coffee is brewing, it’s time we all smelt it.

Thank you for reading.

Firstly, I wish to thank all my readers who visited and commented on my previous post.

The thoughts I will present are based on an interesting conversation I had the other day with a male friend. His perspectives are submitted through my own prism of understanding. However, the terminology I have used is based on what I have come to accept as common usage amongst the societal circles concerned.

Before I begin, it is important to understand that these views are based on a number of generalizations, which admittedly have certain restrictions in applicability.

This post relates to four generalized groups of individuals. a) Intelligent Women; b) Attention Seeking Females; c) Impostors disguised as ‘buggers’; and d) Buggers. I wish to make it absolutely clear that this list is non-exhaustive and should be considered merely as a descriptive categorization. It is probable that some individuals would find themselves unable to relate to any of the categories. It is also possible for an individual to find personal applicability in more than one or even all of the above categories.

(NB: This remark pertains to my schizophrenic, transvestite and gender-confused readers.)

A short description of the four groups is perhaps necessary. My sincere apologies to those of you who dislike the use of acronyms.

An Intelligent Woman (IW) finds pleasure in all forms of stimulus and is aware of the many elaborate schemes hatched by her male counterparts to “get into her pants”. If any male actually succeeds in achieving this feat, it is merely because the IW intended for it to happen in the first place. This is a real category since I myself am acquainted with a number of such individuals. Needless to say, exposure to the opposite sex as well as a keen measure of self-esteem may be considered prerequisites to falling within this category.

An Attention Seeking Female (ASF) is one who craves the attention of men and women alike and who is willing to compromise on an assortment of values as well as a good measure of self-respect to achieve this. I am tempted to attach naivety and the lack of maturity as source traits for this behavour. However, this conclusion may be slightly premature given my own inability to relate completely to such females. An ASF is most often oblivious to the larger game being played around her, and is, under ordinary circumstances, a prime target for exploitation. It is however possible for a life lesson to transform an ASF into an IW, given her ability to alter her outlook on relationships and avoid the radical feminist trap of “men-hating after one bad experience”.

A Bugger in Disguise (BID) may be characterized as a sleeper amongst his friends, who lays dormant (in terms of expressing his true views) until an opportunity is provided in which he may move onto greener pastures. His main ambitions are to find acceptance within the “coolest clique of men” and achieve admiration and appeal amongst the “hottest clique of women”. However, it must be appreciated that a BID is both cunning as well as versatile in terms of the impact he has on members of the opposite sex. Though not always the case, it is very likely that good looks supplement a BID’s methods of operation.

A Bugger is a genuine, straightforward “man’s man” who is neither skilled in nor bothered about fallaciously enhancing his image in order to win favour amongst those around him. His main appeal relates to the fact that people are paradoxically attracted to this sort of nonchalance. A woman that loves a Bugger appreciates him for his lack of ambiguity about his true intentions, whether it be simple friendship or a strong desire for coitus.

Now that the groups have been loosely defined, the interrelationships between them must be addressed.

An IW will most often ignore or patronize an ASF. When it comes to a BID, an IW may indulge in his company for short, bearable spells at a time, only to follow it up with laughter bordering on hysterics once he leaves the room. An IW will only date another IW, a Bugger or some other category I haven’t referred to in this particular post.

The real problem however resides in the relationship between the ASF and BID groups. Since the often politically incorrect honesty of Buggers is not easily palatable for an ASF, it is sometimes branded, and rightly so, as “chauvinist”. However, an ASF fails to identify the subtleties adopted by a BID when he deliberately sullies the image of a Bugger in order to win favour amongst his ASF constituents. The methodology most often observed is the “Three Prong Approach to Duping Hapless Lasses” found in theofficial BID handbook (or so I am told). They are as follows:

1) Get amongst some Buggers and befriend them by exploiting their trusting nature

2) Get to know their friends, acquaintances and even girlfriends who fall within the category of an ASF

3) Establish the “sweet guy who likes them for who they are and listens to what they have to say” image. This may involve a number of other sub-activities which could include lending books, CDs and DVDs, pretending to share interests, and making disparaging remarks about Buggers they know.

In any case, a BID is very successful with the ASF category since he skillfully sheds his “Bugger disguise” to reveal his second and equally convincing “Sweet-guy disguise”. One is often tempted to wail out warnings to ASF victims, but the restrictions in terms of effectiveness are too overwhelming to achieve results.

I must admit I am curious to know what lies beneath this second disguise – Perhaps an individual who suffers from deep insecurity and constantly needs the acceptance of his peers?

It would be unfair to simplify the issue by attempting to explain such behaviour merely in terms of attracting the opposite sex. Rather, the problem seems to lie with a genuine lack of substance in terms of personality and self-belief. It relates directly to the fact that we now live in a society which fails to recognize honesty (not merely to others, but also to one’s self) and honor as being essential features of building lasting relationships with both the opposite as well as one’s own sex. The majority of relationships we now crave are entirely superficial, based more on money, sex and recognition than on trust. Who are we attempting to fool?

Thank you for reading.